Remember the scene in the Matrix where the crew of the Nebuchadnezzar is sitting around eating some runny protein sludge and wondering if the machines really knew what Tastee Wheat tasted like? That maybe they got it wrong and anyone who claimed to know what Tastee Wheat tasted like was probably wrong? The machines may have tried hard to emulate the taste of Tastee Wheat, but chances are they failed to capture it just right.

I bring this up because this kept running through my mind while playing Conan. Published by THQ and developed by Nihilistic, Conan is a blatant rip-off of the wildly successful God of War franchise, with almost every gameplay element being lifted from the latter. The game features the same variety of hack n’ slash elements, huge boss battles, game controlled camera angles, etc. as the God of War games, although the sluggish controls, insipid AI and repetitive action is new to Conan, and bring the whole experience way down.

Conan’s storyline isn’t terribly fantastic, and kind of hard to follow at points. The titular Cimmerian Conan gets into a fight with a powerful and evil sorcerer named Graven, who defeats him and takes his armor. He must then try to take on Graven’s men in order to get all of the pieces back and keep him from conquering the whole world. Conan has what you’d expect thematically from the Destroyer, with plenty of violence and some nudity and, ahem, provocative situations thrown in.

The combat sequences are pretty fun for a brief period. You’ll be able to take on several enemies at one time, and you can perform a variety of combos and reversals. The most fun combat mechanic in the game is the ability to dismember your foes, cutting off limbs and heads left and right.

However, before too long, the whole affair gets very repetitive and the sluggish controls begin to become more prevalent. There’s a slight delay in button responsiveness, and Conan tends to move a beat slower than his opponents. This is a huge problem since the AI will constantly exploit this. Oftentimes, you’ll be in the middle of a combo when your enemy will launch immediately into his own without so much as a chance for a block. Considering how strong Conan is, you think his attacks would pack a bit more punch than that. One enemy that is outrageously cheap in this regard are the Stygian warriors armed with spiked shields. Any attempt at a heavy attack or even a light attack with a two-handed weapon will be reversed due to the spiked shield. Therefore, the only thing that you can do against these guys is hammer their shield repeatedly with light attacks with a one-handed weapon, which doesn’t feel much like compelling combat.

Another issue in the game are the load times. These usually run for about a minute or longer, and occur every single time you need to reload the game after you die. Considering how often you’re likely to die in this game, the length and frequency of the load times is annoying to say the least.

The biggest problem with the game is that it’s extremely derivative. The game feels too much like God of War to stand out as a wholly unique experience, from the items to the cut scene moments. The game uses an orb system exactly like God of War. By dispatching enemies, destroying objects in the environment and opening treasure chests you’ll find blue, green, and red orbs that dole out magic, health, and experience. Experience can be used to purchase new combos from the menu. Additionally, the context-sensitive situations are everywhere, and feel pulled directly from Sony’s aforementioned series. I suppose an argument against this would be that the Conan story and comics inspired many of the elements featured in God of War, but as it stands, Kratos did most of these things years ago and better.

To be fair, there is one area in which the game doesn’t liberally borrow from God of War - the weapon system. Conan can pick up any melee weapon that his enemies drop, with each weapon divided into a few different groups, one-handed weapons, two-handed weapons, and shields. One-handed weapons can be dual wielded or used in conjunction with shields, while two-handed weapons like polearms and heavy swords can only be used alone. Each weapon set has their own unique set of combos.

Graphically, the aesthetics are the one area where Conan gets it right. Drawing a heavy amount of inspiration from the comics, Conan has a very stylized look, almost cel-shaded in appearance. The copious amounts of gore are well-represented, with areas that had previously hosted a showdown between you and a group of enemies looking like a bloody mess. The framerates can slow down in intense situations and the camera can be pretty lousy at times (especially in the obnoxious jumping puzzles), but generally the game looks pretty good.

Soundwise the game is a mixed bag. The score is pretty good and captures the feel of the Conan universe well, and the combat sounds are well done. However, the voice acting is very repetitive and lackluster, with the game’s banner actor (Hellboy’s Ron Perlman as Conan) seemingly phoning this one in and not really caring too much about what he’s saying.

Conan isn’t a complete disappointment. The game does a good job of capturing the essence of the hero, with all of the blood and gore and intense action that fans of the books and comics would hope for. Still, as it stands on its gameplay merits, Conan feels very derivative, the combat feels clunky and frustrating, and the experience just isn’t worth the price of admission. Much like machines and Tastee Wheat, the developers tried their damnedest to copy God of War, and they couldn’t quite cut it.

Gameplay: 6.0
The game tries so hard to emulate God of War’s style, from the control scheme to the context-sensitive moments, but unfortunately isn’t as compelling or nearly as fun. The action is repetitive and grows dull after a while, the enemy AI is all over the place, ranging from inept to frustratingly cheap, and the game controlled camera angles are a huge pain when it comes to the scattered jumping puzzles. Loading times are also just plain awful.

Graphics: 8.5
The visual presentation is where Conan succeeds, offering a stylized look comparable to the comics. The framerates can get a little boggy at points, but the game looks pretty good generally.

Sound: 6.5
The score is pretty well done as are the sound effects, but the dialogue can get pretty repetitive. Ron Perlman’s voice work as Conan sounds pretty lackluster.

Difficulty: Hard
The game has a fair amount of horribly cheap enemies and frustrating situations that boost the difficulty up quite a bit.

Concept: 6.0
The storyline is pretty barebones, and the script elements are corny. Most of the gameplay elements have been lifted from God of War, but the clunky controls and general bugginess keep it from being nearly as fun.

Overall: 6.0
Conan is an extremely short and derivative game that tries very hard to emulate God of War, but fails to be as compelling or nearly as fun to play. There’s very little replay value after you’ve finished the game, so even the hardest of hardcore Conan fans will be satisfied with a rental at the very most.