There are some games that are so bad that they’re actually good and some of them - while riddled with problems - have some redeemable features that actually make it worth playing or even owning. These guilty pleasures may not have even sold well but it doesn’t really matter as long as you - the gamer - enjoy playing it. Some of these games even feature some shameless piece of fan service (e.g. skimpy outfits for lovely female characters) but there’s something fun about the gameplay. Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad for the Xbox 360, unfortunately, isn’t one of these guilty pleasures no matter how you slice and dice it.

Bikini Samurai Squad is a third-person hack-and-slash action game featuring ladies that prefer to take on a group of zombie hordes wearing bikinis or outfits that are a bit too revealing. Ok, that’s not so much a problem. I mean, you wouldn’t expect them to get blood all over a Prada dress, right? In the game’s Story mode, we are introduced to Aya and her half-sister Saki who are watching the news when they see that the city is overrun by zombies and monsters. The sisters dress up (or down) for battle, grabbing their samurai swords. You see, Aya and Saki carry a curse known as the Baneful Blood that gives them to power to take on this particular threat.

You can switch instantly between Aya or Saki with the right trigger, which allows you to break away from combat if one or the other is too injured to continue or if you like a change of combat style. Aya, who can wield two swords and favors a skimpy bikini while wearing a cowgirl hat, isn’t quick but she’s powerful. Saki, who wears a Japanese schoolgirl uniform, is quick and able unleash quick slashing moves. Both characters can also perform a quick melee attack such as a jump kick or a roundhouse kick when enemies get to close. Aya has a projectile attack and Saki can perform a dash.

Unfortunately, these moves are wasted on brain-dead enemies that don’t even try getting out of your way. The blood really flies in the game, often soaking your character so you have the option to wipe away the blood from your blade. Remain blood splattered and you suddenly go into a rage mode called Ecstasy that makes it easier to slice through enemies but it slowly drains your life if you don’t find a way to calm the blood rage within. There are boss battles but none of them is challenging or particularly fun, such as the time you take down a mysterious man with a gun. Even the bigger bosses don’t prove to be exciting.

Story mode also follows a linear path with very little room to explore your surroundings and there’s not much of a story to follow either since the level intros are handled in longwinded scrolls read by Aya. There are a few moments in the game that mixes things up a little, such as the time Saki is kidnapped or when a third girl, Anna, is introduced. If swords aren’t your thing, Anna is a pleasant break seeing as she favors guns rather than blades.

To add to the long list of problems, however, it doesn’t matter whether you’re slashing your way through zombies or shooting them. The controls aren’t completely responsive and all three girls move awkwardly. The camera is also not your best friend, often concealing the enemy that’s right in front of you.

Aside from Story mode, there’s also Quest Mode that opens up a few scenarios straight from the game main mode only with a few restrictions (low health in some cases) and conditions (must clear the area before the time expires). Survival mode has you ripping through hordes of enemies in stages to see how far you can get without dying. You can also play through the game with a friend via Tag Play, a co-op feature that allows you to play the Story mode or Free Play mode (that allows you to play through Story mode sans cut scenes). The game even contains a little zombie killing mini-game while the game loads.

On the graphics front, Onechanbara is not a very pretty game even though the stars of the game are attractive warriors. Sadly, the game doesn’t look like it should belong on the Xbox 360 or even the original Xbox. In fact, the game looks like it would feel more comfortable on the PlayStation 2. The backgrounds are bland and the character models don’t move realistically whether they’re walking or swinging a sword. You can change a girl’s outfit via Dress Up mode but that doesn’t change the fact that the characters aren’t rendered as well as they should.

There’s not much of a soundtrack here either, unless you like heavy guitar riffs and music that occasionally feels out of place when the action gets really intense. There’s not much in terms of sound effects either, although listening to a sharp blade rip through zombies isn’t half bad. The Japanese voice cast is decent enough but nothing special.

In the end, Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad for the Xbox 360 fails to offer anything close to a fun game that is able to redeem itself from the number of problems that plague this game. We love a good hack-and-slash action game when it’s done right but this one just falls flat in the action department. Sorry, ladies, but even your skimpy outfits aren’t enough to bring all the boys to your blood splattering action game.

Gameplay: 4.0
The Bikini Samurai Squad goes up against hordes of zombies and other monsters but the action and the levels start feeling repetitively bland. The levels aren’t very imaginative and the boss battles are rather dull affairs. In short, even bikinis can’t make this game interesting.

Graphics: 3.5
The game’s graphics would look great if this was the PlayStation 2 but what we have here is a game that just doesn’t take advantage of the hardware’s graphical capabilities. The blood certainly flies in this game but the characters move awkwardly.

Sound: 3.5
The score is easily one of the most irritating features of the game aside from the gameplay and there’s very little in terms of sound effects here. The Japanese voice work isn’t bad at all but it’s not great either.

Difficulty: Easy/Medium
The only thing challenging about this game are the bigger monsters as well the fact that you’ll be fighting off a rage mode. There are boss battles but they are just not challenging at all.

Concept: 4.0
Three cute girls decide to take on hordes of zombies and an assortment of other monsters that have overtaken the city and one of them uses a gun instead of a blade. There’s not much of a story in the main mode but there’s always Free Play, Survival and Quest Mode to keep you busy. Oh, and there is co-op and you can always dress up the girls in different outfits for those who care about that.

Multiplayer: 3.5
There’s no online multiplayer fun to be had in this game but the game does allow for co-op action that makes going through the tougher level a bit easier with a friend taking up the role of the other girls.

Overall: 4.0
A linear, uninventive and utterly boring action game from start to finish, the splatter-fest that is Onechanbara makes us wonder how a game with bikinis this skimpy could be a very bad thing. I like a good hack-and-slash action game but this Bikini Samurai Squad makes mindless fun feel really quite unentertaining.